Ashes To Ashes

When Amir didn't come home on August 12 as planned, I didn't think much of it. He was often late. I always told myself he was out on a mission- like my own personal secret agent. I laughed to myself quietly at that thought as I filled the cat dish with food. I sat on the counter and watched him do his usual three-kibble taste test when there was a knock at the door

It startled calvin and he ran off to hide behind the sofa. Filled with curiosity, I hopped off the counter and walked to the door. I looked through the peephole only to find that which every person who loves a soldier fears the most. I slid the door chain open and turned the lock. I couldn't breathe as I pulled the door open.

I stared in silence at the two uniformed officers. "I understand English is your first language", one of the men said, as he took off his hat, almost as if he were ashamed. I replied only with a slight nod. "Are you Delilah?" I choked back the thoughts and tears and once again replied only with a nod.

"I am very sorry to have to inform you..." The words ran together as I fell to my knees. The other man picked me up and carried me to the sofa. "These were among his belongings..." I looked up again the first man held out a plastic marked "Amir Yohansen." I swallowed hard as I opened it. His dog-tags. I began to cry. His wedding ring, a picture of us. It hurt even worse knowing that he loved me so much.

I pulled out a little white sealed envelope. The front read "To my beloved Lilah." I opened it only to find four lines:

Talk of a beautiful place,
A place we'll all be soon,
My darling I will see you there,
Meet you there at noon.

I was confused. Noon? What happens at noon? I looked up at the still standing officers. Though my tears, I commanded them to sit down. I folded the note again and put it in my lap, guarding it with my hands. "What time did he..." I choked on my tears once again and couldn't finish. "08:00", sighed the now-sitting officer. "Then why noon?!" I demanded. "What happens at noon?!" I began to sob. Neither man said anything- it would seem they were as perplexed as I.

After I was informed of Amir's death, I decided Israel wasn't the place for me anymore. I attended his funeral. Most of the people who spoke spoke only Hebrew but it was the emotion attached to the words that I didn't understand me that wrapped itself around my soul and ripped at me. I sat by his mother the whole time I sat and I couldn't stop crying. Eventually she wanted me to speak. "I can't." I choked out. She stared at me with pleading eyes.

I walked slowly up toward the front of the room and stared out at all the people. Not a soul in the room was without tears. I took a breath and began. "I know that there are many people here who will never know what I said about my husband. For that I am sorry, but I speak now only to him, as I am sure you all will too. If I could have died in Amir's place, I would have. I refuse to refer to my husband as if he is not alive. I know he's here in this room, I know he's standing by me, and I know with every bit of love in his heart he is standing by every one of you. For those of you who understand me, remember that for the rest of your life." I put the microphone down and with that, I returned to my seat.

Amir was buried in a beautiful place in Tel Aviv. I put white carnations on his grave. He used to bring them to me every month. He said they were pure, like me. The reality of his death sunk in to the full extent when I saw his name on the headstone. My love was gone, I told myself only for a while. He would come back, right? He had to come back.

I put my hand on the grave. My tears hit the stone and at that moment I vowed never to love another man, not as long I lived. God made us for each other and He made our hands fit together so perfectly that I would never have to love anybody else and I wouldn't. Death did not part us, it just postponed our togetherness. I did not sleep that night. I waited all night for him to come home. He never came.